Green 88!
That ends the first half of play...
... with the score: Cleveland 17, Los Angeles 10.
Let's go! Move!
Billy Cole!
The first half stunk!
Open the holes up! Get in there like pigs!
Billy Cole.
Call on line 3.
Let's kick some butt. Let's get out of this town a winner!
I hate Cleveland!
Hello, William. This is Milo.
There's a lot of money on this game.
You better score some touchdowns.
Do whatever it takes. Understood?
Or else you're history.
It's the second half. We're in Cleveland...
... for this game between the L.A. Stallions and Cleveland Cats.
I'm Vern Lundquist with Dick Butkus. And yes, friends...
... it really is that wet.
Vern, even though the Stallions trail 17-10...
...there walks a happy man, Sheldon Marcone, owner of the L.A. Stallions.
His team tops the Western Division at 6-2.
Sheldon is with Lynn Swann now.
- Let's go to them. - 29,256.
That's pretty poor attendance, wouldn't you say?
I wouldn't say.
Explain the attendance and TV ratings drop-off. Is pro football dying?
No, it's good journalism that's dying, Lynn.
Are there any heroes left in the game?
What game are you watching? Let's talk about heroes.
Billy Cole is having the game of his life tonight.
First and 10 at the Cleveland 47-yard line.
First and 10, 2 minutes left. It's probably L.A. 's final possession.
L.A. Needs 7. A field goal will not do.
You've got to be thinking: "Get the ball to Billy Cole."
The pass is complete to Billy Cole!
Ain't life a bitch?
Dude's trashed.
We should do something to him.
Do it.
This dude is really trashed.
Go on. Take his watch.
He's got a gun!
This is Hallenbeck Investigations. Leave your message at the beep.
Joe! Mike Matthews. I got a job for you.
Hold on a minute.
I thought you were in Vegas. I was going to leave a message.
You sound terrific.
I think I fucked a squirrel to death.
You still taking charity?
- What do you got? - Stripper. Excuse me, exotic dancer.
Some weirdo 's hassling her and I'm booked solid. She's hot.
Rates 3 on my finger scale.
I'd cut off 3 fingers if God would let me fuck her.
Make her a one on your nose scale. Improve your looks.
Yeah, eat me.
I'm booked. You got plans?
I was going to smoke cigarettes.
- Could you postpone? - These are pretty good cigarettes.
It's 500 bucks.
I got to run some errands.
Meet you in an hour.
Comb your hair. I'll lend you a nice jacket...
Nobody likes you.
Everybody hates you.
You're going to lose.
Smile, you fuck.
Jimmy?
You still here?
Guess I am.
Help me!
Ray.
- What's with the girl, man? - Bitch won't blow me.
It's too early for that. Let her go.
She ain't coming up till she starts blowing.
She's going to drown, man.
Fuck you, loser!
Let her go.
Why are you here? It's a league party. You got kicked out, remember?
You bastard!
- Get out of here. - Pig!
You fuckhead!
Best arm in the National League. Remember that, you fat son of a bitch!
I thought you were in Las Vegas.
I was.
Where'd you sleep?
The office.
Furry Tom.
How much you lose?
I wasn't there to gamble.
How much?
I was doing a skip trace.
50 bucks.
What is this?
Darian drew a holiday picture.
Obviously, her teacher wants to see us.
Where is she?
Slept at a friend's.
Boys giving her a hard time about the braces?
Are you kidding? "Metal mouth" is the latest. Little bastards.
She'll be screwing them when she's 14.
Watch your mouth.
You let her wear so much makeup she looks...
...like a goddamn raccoon.
I thought she was a burglar. I almost shot her twice.
You're not funny. Girls wear makeup.
I'm sure they don't put it on with a paint sprayer.
For your information, a lot of people think I'm very funny.
Go live with them.
Don't tempt me.
Who's the guy in the closet?
Excuse me?
You forget I'm a detective.
There's all this steam in the shower.
Only your hair is dry. So it must be somebody else.
A male. The toilet seat's up.
Since he's not under the bed...
...I figure you must have stuck him in the closet.
Who's in the closet?
Jesus Christ, nothing changes.
You're still a lunatic.
Will you tell me who?
Shall I open the closet?
I'll do it. Then we'll both know you're psycho!
Is that what you want?
Thank you.
That door stays shut.
What I'm going to do...
...is count to 3.
Then I'll put a bullet in that door.
You can stop me by telling the truth.
Call your shrink and tell him you're losing it.
The truth is a beautiful thing.
How dare you come into this house and...
- Look, Joe... - Keeping her warm for me?
Easy. Don't do nothing dumb.
How was she?
On your scale, how was my wife?
It just happened.
Sure, I know.
It just happened.
It could happen to anybody.
An accident.
You tripped and accidentally stuck your dick in my wife.
"I'm so sorry, Mrs. H. I guess this just isn't my week."
Put the gun down.
The gun.
You're right.
I think I am losing it.
Get out of here.
Head or gut, Mike?
Joe, how long we been friends?
Roughly till you started banging my wife.
Head or gut?
Gut.
Got that address for me?
The surveillance job.
You still want the job?
500 bucks is 500 bucks, Mike.
I guess you're right.
Throw a shot into her?
Get the fuck out of here. Go shit in your own yard.
Joe!
Over here.
Somebody wired the car.
Who the fuck did this?
Mr. Rogers.
How the hell should I know?
You told the cops?
I told them Mike came by to farm out a surveillance job.
That's all?
You didn't mention...
No. I didn't mention it.
You knew, didn't you?
I suspected.
Why didn't you say something?
Say what?
"Fuck you, Sarah"?
Anything to get a rise out of you.
"You're a lying bitch, Sarah," or "I'll spit in your face."
Want me to spit on you?
- It would show you had pride. - Fresh out, honey.
Fuck you, Joe. You're never around. I was lonely!
Buy a dog.
I'm not the one who hates you. You're the one who hates you.
And I get to live with myself 24 hours a day.
Alex, the astronaut.
The astronaut.
Last time I saw you drink straight vodka was because you cheated on Cory.
Why don't you pour me another?
You didn't.
You got to be crazy, cheating on her.
I got to be something, Harp. Because all I do is lose friends...
...drink and nail anything with a heartbeat.
Just stay on that side of the bar.
Should I pay now?
No, you should not. Put the money away.
Sit down.
The cops can't help?
Sure. After I'm dead, they'll do the autopsy.
Guess you can't wait that long.
Guess not.
This the only music they play here?
I hate this funk shit.
I may charge extra.
What'd you expect?
The Four Freshmen.
Pat Boone.
Are you my father?
I'm your father. Put some clothes on.
You're hilarious.
Stand by that speaker. You'll scream...
"...Play that funky music, white boy!"
The screaming I believe.
Hello, handsome.
Who's the stiff over there?
That's nobody.
It's my turn to dance. Shit.
Let's bring out a woman who's always in the mood.
Put your hands together for the lovely and talented Miss Cory!
You're nobody.
Don't tell anyone.
Cory says you're nobody.
Nobody's raining on your parade. I'm keeping an eye on her.
Are you some kind of bodyguard?
Something like that.
Got a match?
Is Cory in trouble?
I don't know. You tell me.
She didn't tell me.
Does that piss you off?
Maybe.
Don't sweat it.
Women have secrets.
Water's wet, the sky's blue, women have secrets. Who gives a fuck?
Want a beer?
So she just hired you? What, you're in the book or something?
She hired my buddy, Mike. I'm filling in.
Where's Mike?
He died.
I'm sorry to hear that.
He was an asshole.
I don't know who you are or what's going on, but Cory's my girl.
If she's in trouble, I want to know.
Confidential, big boy.
Why don't you tell me anyway?
Nope.
Man, you couldn't protect a cup of warm piss.
Why don't you just hit me?
Excuse me?
Chickenshit. Bust me in the chops. An old guy like me can't hurt you.
You know who I am?
James Alexander Dix. Quarterback for the L.A. Stallions, '89-'90.
Banned from the league for gambling.
Allegations of drug abuse.
Another tragic tale of wasted youth.
You're pissing me off!
It's about time.
Joe Hallenbeck...
...private detective.
You're a lowlife.
At least I didn't shit my talent away on coke.
Spilled my warm cup of piss.
- Get your shit. Let's go. - What's the matter with you?
Shut up! Get in the cage.
It's cool.
Let's hear it for Miss Cory!
I didn't vote for you, you son of a bitch.
So I'm a lowlife.
That's him. He was with her.
Take him and kill him.
No contract on him.
Then do it for free. Elsewhere.
Alex, the pediatrician.
If I were a cat, I'd purr.
Behave!
Come back to my place with me. I'll give you your birthday present.
- Does it look like that? - Do you want it?
- What is it? Give me a hint. - A hint?
How'd you like to get your old job back?
Go on. Get in there!
Wrong place, wrong time. Nothing personal.
So you think. Last night I fucked your wife.
You did? How did you know it was my wife?
She said her husband looked like a pimp with a hat.
You're cool, for a guy about to take a bullet.
After fucking your wife, I'll take 2.
What's this about you getting me my old job back?
Where the hell is he?
The detective?
What kind of trouble you in?
I'm not in trouble. Some creep's threatening me.
- Let's wait inside for Hallenbeck. - What am I chopped liver?
What's that bum going to do? Breathe on them?
If the creep shows up, I'll bitch-slap him.
I'll follow you home. Get in your car.
You'll "bitch-slap" him?
Yeah. Bitch-slap him.
Where you want it? In the chest? Or the head?
So said your wife.
Stop with the wife shit!
Ask me how fat she is.
Fuck you!
How fat is she?
So fat I had to roll her in flour and look for the wet spot.
To fuck her, you slap her thigh and ride the wave in.
I'm not saying she's fat.
Her high school picture was an aerial photograph.
You bastard!
And then some.
Fuck!
Don't get out.
Can't you drive?
Let's get the fuck out of here!
Back up!
Back up.
Leather pants.
What's something like that run?
650.
650 dollars?
They're pants?
You wear them?
They don't have a TV in them?
I am very old.
Something stinks in here.
It's this statement. Hallenbeck's hiding something.
How do you know?
I know how his mind works! Every lie has 80%...
...truth to it. It's scary.
We looking at the same guy?
What are you looking at?
I see a guy who slept in his clothes.
That's what everybody sees.
- There's more? - A lot more.
A long time ago, he saved the President's life.
Her story about a weirdo hassling her was bullshit?
I don't know what she was into, but that was a professional hit.
Gangland style.
I figure Mike was working for her, same as me.
He got scared.
Very scared.
Bails out, dumps it in my lap.
He bailed too late.
They're scraping him off my stucco.
If Mike knew this was dangerous, why didn't he say anything to you?
He was fucking my wife.
I die. He gets the wife.
Free to go. Pick up your gun at the property desk.
You took all day.
I got a call from the Bel Air P.D.
Senator Baynard has been getting obscene phone calls.
It better not be you.
Anything else, lieutenant?
There's a new invention out: The razor.
Too risky. I might start thinking about you and slash my wrists.
- He got a beef with Baynard? - The senator got him fired.
What was he, a cop?
Secret Service?
And Baynard had you fired?
How come?
None of your business.
What are you doing here?
I knocked out 4 of his teeth.
Ever play ball? You got a good build.
You a fag?
Just trying to break the ice.
I like ice. Leave it the fuck alone.
You're fun to be with.
Fuck you.
So what's the next move, ace?
I'm going home.
It would seem my job is done.
Fuck that. We saw Cory get murdered.
You want your ass shot off, be my guest.
You die, I take your $600 pants.
650.
You look familiar. Do I know you?
You might. People recognize me.
"Cue Ball" Morton! Sold hash in Boyle Heights.
I played football. Jimmy Dix, L.A. Stallions.
- What position? - Forget it.
Football. Free agents ruined the goddamn game!
We may run into more fans. Want my sunglasses?
- Fuck you. - Snappy comeback.
Where did Cory live?
Harper Apartments, on Melrose. Why?
Think I'll look around there.
I'll come with you.
The fuck, you are. Have a nice night, junior.
- I know where the extra key is. - I won't need a key.
And you're not worried about the alarm.
It's pretty high-tech. I put it in myself.
But you probably know how to circumvent.
Circumvent?
It's called vocabulary.
- Read much? - My subscription to Jugs just ran out.
Get in the car.
How did she afford this? It must run a fortune.
- Tell me about it. I pay the rent. - Isn't that charming.
She sounds like a real special girl.
What else you pay for? Clothes? Car?
It wasn't like that. Cory could've had rich guys. Me, she loved.
Love? Forget about it then.
- You don't believe in love. - I believe in love. And cancer.
- Both diseases? - Something like that.
I want to meet the bitch that fucked you up.
Your show, ace.
- Security system? - I circumvented it.
Don't touch anything. Don't leave a mess for the cops.
Oh, my God.
- You vacuum, I'll dust. - Stay put.
Go, Tarzan.
Who's this guy with Cory?
Shelly Marcone. Owns the L.A. Stallions.
They dated. Treated her like shit. And she left.
Where you going?
Bathroom. Want to come? Doc said I shouldn't lift anything heavy.
I'll pass.
10 to 1, they were looking for this.
- That's Marcone. - Yeah, I know.
- I don't know who this is. - Senator Baynard.
And the assholes with him?
His bodyguards. He always has protection.
Copy of a phone bill.
What's this number?
Baynard's home number.
You know his number?
So I called him a couple times. Shut the fuck up.
What's all this?
I don't know, junior. If we're lucky...
...maybe enough blackmail evidence to put two very powerful men away.
Why would Cory blackmail them?
- She was fucking Marcone... - Dating, not fucking.
Whatever. She heard or saw something. The point is...
- She was blackmailing them. - She hires Mike.
She got evidence to use on them. Now we have the evidence.
We got Marcone and Baynard by the nuts.
And that is why I love America.
- Hello? - Hey, Calvin?
Shelly Marcone. How you doing this evening?
I'd prefer you didn 't use my name.
A trifle skittish. If I didn 't know better...
... I'd say you were contemplating something shady.
Get to the good stuff.
I'll fast-forward it.
Don't!
It eats the tape!
I'm supposed to know?
Your car ate our only evidence?
- This car sucks. - Shut up!
If this is ruined, I'll crush your nuts.
If this is ruined, I swear...
Fast-forward eats the tape.
My birthday present.
Cory was blackmailing Marcone. But not for cash.
She was trying to get my job back.
She's dead because of me.
Where you going?
Home. I don't feel too hot.
I'll take you.
I'll give you a ride.
I'll take Cory's car. I got the key.
I thought that was Cory's car at the bar!
Cory had two cars.
Get out of the car!
What's your trip?
- What is it? - C-4.
Plastic explosive.
They wired the ignition to Mike's car. They'd do the same with hers.
Lucky for you they wired the wrong car.
Leave this for the cops to analyze.
You're putting that in the trunk?
No, let's leave it for the neighborhood kids to play with.
Good evening.
Where's the gun?
- Bit late for a stroll. - You girls should get home.
Streetlights are on.
Shut up, fuckface.
I'm fuckface. He's asshole.
Apprise Rodney Dangerfield here of his situation.
We can dispense with the fun and games now.
- You want the envelope, right? - Very smart.
Here's a man who knows when a situation is untenable.
Good word.
You like it?
You do have that envelope?
We better give up. We're dealing with geniuses.
Leave him the fuck alone.
Leave him alone? Whatever you say.
Jake attacks his job with a certain exuberance.
We're beat up by the inventor of Scrabble.
He's still happy, kick him again.
All right!
You want the hooker's envelope?
She wasn't a hooker.
Shut the fuck up!
Where is it?
In the trunk.
Give me the keys.
Slow and easy.
Give them to Jake.
Dumb bastard, you'll pay for that.
Open the trunk.
Son of a bitch!
You alive?
I don't know yet.
Was that C-4?
That, or a hell of a factory recall.
Dead guys don't make bad jokes.
Shit, we're alive.
Get out of here.
I'll take the heat for this.
You positive?
This is a police matter!
And I'm sick and tired of sweeping up your dead bodies!
Next time I see your ugly mug...
...I'll put a bullet in it! You got it?
I just wanted to shake your hand.
Ben told me what you did for the President. I respect that.
Hey, ugly.
Looks like our evidence got blown up.
We might have to get more.
Just won't let go.
You're like a dog with a Frisbee.
My girl's dead.
Her killers are at Spago's eating chicken Marsala.
And their goat cheese pizza.
It ain't right.
No, it ain't right.
This ain't no game, Flash.
Real guns.
Real bullets.
It's dangerous.
Danger's my middle name.
Mine's Cornelius.
Tell anybody, I'll kill you.
Ever watch Soul Train?
Shut the fuck up.
We start tomorrow.
In the meantime, I'd like to see my family.
Your family, huh?
You got kids?
- A girl. - Does she like you?
No, not too much.
She likes Prince. Go figure.
I like Prince.
An actual house.
I was thinking of a cave with skulls and shit.
Feel like I been rode hard and put away wet.
What does that mean?
It's horse talk.
Brothers ride horses now?
Cars are too hard to steal.
Do you wear a little cowboy hat?
I'm really good.
Maybe I could take your daughter.
Even look at her funny...
...I'll stick an umbrella up your ass.
Why aren't you in bed?
Darian's watching TV.
- I can see that. - She's pissed at you bigtime.
What happened to your face?
My God! It speaks.
Nothing happened to my face. It always looks like this.
What's wrong with his face?
His nose is too pointy. His eyes are beady.
His ears are too big. He needs a shave.
I am peeing in my pants, you're so funny.
This is my daughter, Darian.
I'm Jimmy.
Why's that number on your head?
Is it a license plate in case it's stolen?
It's a football thing. It's my high school number.
When's graduation?
You want to be alone.
I'll be in the kitchen.
Over here.
She has your winning personality.
You get used to it.
I got some ice cream. Want some?
Leave me alone! I hate you!
She's pissed because I wouldn't let her date Tommy.
I only missed the best party of the year.
Why'd you say no?
Because she's 13 years old, jerk-off.
- Want some ice cream? - I'm not talking to you.
That's a shame. I'll miss all the pleasant things you say.
"Dad, I hate you."
It's chocolate chip, your favorite.
I don't care.
You're an asshole.
You know how I hate to waste food.
Want to abuse me some more? Shock me.
I hardly ever hear the word "asshole."
- Bet you get it all the time! - That's enough!
- Will you ground me some more? - You got it.
Yes, sir, asshole.
- You're grounded. - Leave me alone!
He thinks he's Ward Cleaver.
You want to talk like a trash-mouth? Sound like your mother?
I have to hear this shit all day, do I have to get it from you?
Go easy on the girl.
Don't tell me how to talk to my kid.
Let me hear all the really juicy dirty words.
You're such a fuckup.
You're my daughter and you're in my home. You will respect me.
- Don't call me a fuckup. - Why not?
Mom calls you that!
She called me a fuckup?
When?
On the phone with Uncle Jay.
I'm a fuckup, but Uncle Jay? There's a real standup guy!
He cheats on his taxes.
Ask your mother why Mr. Wonderful's not in jail for tax evasion.
He doesn't fuck up.
Go to bed.
For $50 you could pay a guy to pull her fingernails out.
Anything that much fun I'd rather do myself.
I don't know about you, but I need a drink.
Shit! That's you?
You were Ward Cleaver.
I was a regular Boy Scout.
You and the President.
Damn, hanging with the Man!
It looks like one of those cardboard cutout things.
I once had my picture taken with Don Johnson.
- Still got the picture? - I threw it away.
You going to get a divorce?
I don't know.
You don't like women much.
I liked the guy she was fucking.
He was my best friend.
He was a scumbag private detective.
All private detectives are scumbags.
But he tried to get you killed.
Friends can't be perfect.
I wish the sky wasn't blue.
I wish water wasn't wet.
I wish I didn't still love my wife.
Life sucks.
To Alex, the accountant.
Your accountant's name is Alex?
But he could have been.
Alex was my son.
I used to be married.
One Sunday, I'm away in Miami.
She couldn't go. She was 8 months pregnant.
Walking down La Brea Boulevard...
...out of nowhere a truck jumped a curb.
Never knew what hit her.
She died.
But Alex lived for 17 minutes in an incubator.
He fell asleep.
Had time for one dream.
Then he died.
I think about him all the time.
I threw for 300 yards that day.
While my wife and kid were dying...
...I had the game of my life.
Life sucks.
Can I use your shower?
Bathroom's down the hall on the right.
Here's a towel.
This what you looked for at Cory's?
This what you were looking for?
- That's $ 1000 worth of shit! - Shut up!
Get the fuck out of my house before I break your neck.
I use it to get by.
I don't use it. I get by.
Get dressed and get out.
All right. I forgot.
Talking to Dudley-fucking-Do-right!